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Welcome to the internet
parent education workshop. A place to build parenting skills that help
parents to discipline kids
from toddlers to teens as well as to encourage
children and adolescents to feel positive about themselves and to become the
winners they were meant to be. Lots of practical solutions for parents as
well as tips for improving communication, building positive
relationships and other useful parenting skills. The goal of parenting is to
teach kids to develop self-discipline. Many parents feel spanking is
necessary for effective discipline. When parents learn and apply the three
Fs of Effective using the parenting techniques on this page and others, they
find that yelling, screaming and spanking disappear and a positive relationship
is established.
Major Topics:
Guidelines
For Parent Child Relationships
- Try to set a side time on a regular basis to do something fun with your
child.
- Never disagree about discipline in front of the children.
- Never give an order, request, or command without being able
to enforce it at the time.
- Be consistent, that is, reward or punish the same behavior
in the same manner as much as possible.
- Agree on what behavior is desirable and not desirable.
- Agree on how to respond to undesirable behavior.
- Make it as clear as possible what the child is to expect if
he or she performs the undesirable behavior.
- Make it very clear what the undesirable behavior is. It is
not enough to say, "Your room is messy." Messy should be
specified in terms of exactly what is meant: "You’ve left dirty
clothes on the floor, dirty plates on your desk, and your bed is not
made."
- Once you have stated your position and the child attacks
that position, do not keep defending yourself. Just restate the position
once more and then stop responding to the attacks.
- Look for gradual changes in behavior. Don’t expect too much. Praise
behavior that is coming closer to the desired goal.
- Remember that your behavior serves as a model for your
children’s behavior.
- If one of you is disciplining a child and the other enters
the room, that other person should not step in on the argument in progress.
- Reward desirable behavior as much as possible by verbal
praise, touch or something tangible such as a toy, food or money.
- Both of you should have an equal share in the
responsibility of discipline as much as possible.
Want more help? Visit the
[Parenting
Skills] and the [Emotional & Social
Development] sections of the CDI Store.
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The
"3 Fs" of Effective Parenting
Discipline should be:
- Firm: Consequences should be
clearly stated and then adhered to when the inappropriate behavior occurs.
-
Fair: The punishment should
fit the crime. Also in the case of recurring behavior, consequences should
be stated in advance so the child knows what to expect. Harsh punishment is
not necessary. Using a simple Time Out can be effective when it is used
consistently every time the behavior occurs. Also, use of reward for a
period of time like part of a day or a whole day when no Time Outs or maybe
only one Time Out is received.
-
Friendly: Use a friendly but
firm communication style when letting a children know they have behaved
inappropriately and let them know they will receive the "agreed
upon" consequence. Encourage them to try to remember what they should
do instead to avoid future consequences. Work at "catching them being
good" and praise them for appropriate behavior.
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The
Parent As Teacher/Coach
See your role as that of a teacher or coach to your children. Demonstrate in
detail how you would like them to behave. Have them practice the behavior. Give
them encouragement along with constructive criticism.
- Try to set aside time on a regular
basis to do something fun with your children.
- Rather than tell them what not to
do, teach and show them what they should do.
- Use descriptive praise when they do
something well. Say, "I like how you ____ when you ____." Be
specific.
- Help your child learn to express how
he feels. Say: "You seem frustrated." "How are you
feeling?" "Are you up set?" "You look like you are angry
about that." "It’s O.K. to feel that way."
- Try to see a situation the way your
children do. Listen carefully to them. Try to form a mental picture of how
it would look to them.
- Use a soft, confident tone of voice
to redirect them when they are upset.
- Be a good listener: Use good eye
contact. Physically get down to the level of smaller children. Don’t
interrupt. Ask open ended questions rather than questions that can be
answered with a yes or no. Repeat back to them what you heard.
-
Make sure they understand
directions. Have them repeat them back.
-
When possible give them
choices of when and how to comply with a request.
-
Look for gradual changes in
behavior. Don’t expect too much. Praise behavior that is coming closer to
the desired goal.
-
Develop a nonverbal sign
(gesture) that your children will accept as a signal that they are being
inappropriate and need to change their behavior. This helps them to respond
to your prompt without getting upset.
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The
Use of Reward In Positive Parenting
When ever possible try to use
reward and praise to motivate your child to improve their behavior.
For younger children you can use
"grandma’s rule." Say, "When you have picked up all your
clothes, you may go out and play." Be sure you use "when" rather
than "if."
Combine reward with time out for
serious disruptive or defiant behaviors. Say, "Every time you ____, you
will have a ____ time out. If you can go the whole (day, afternoon, etc.)
without getting a time-out, you will earn ____..
The
First Time Club
If you are having trouble
getting your child to do something when you ask, have him become a member of
"The First Time Club."
Make up a chart with 30
squares.
Tell the child that each time he does something the first time he is asked, a
happy face will be placed in a square. When all the squares are completed, he
will earn a reward.
Mutually agree on the reward. For younger children, you can place a picture of
the reward on the chart or for older children you can write it on the chart.
Then practice with the child how he is to behave. "Each time I ask you to
do something, I want you to: (1) Use good eye contact, (2) Listen quietly, (3)
Say OK I will ____. then (4) Do it." Practice this, making a number of
requests.
Then start the program.
Be sure to praise him for each success during practice as well as when the
program starts. By the time the squares are filled, he will have developed a
new habit. When he completes the program, provide the reward immediately. Take
the chart down and let him have it as part of the reward. Continue to use
praise and encouragement to make sure this new habit remains and becomes even
stronger.
Want more help? Visit the
[Parenting
Skills] and the [Emotional & Social
Development] sections of the CDI Store.
The
Family Chip System
If your child is having a lot of
difficulty getting along at home consider using the "Family Chip
System." This is a very powerful tool. When used consistently, most
children will show great improvement within just a few weeks. The program
provides immediate reward for appropriate behavior and immediate consequences
for inappropriate behavior. By the way, if you have other children around the
same age as the child for whom you are designing this program, put them on the
program as well. Children really like this system. Parents love the system. Here
are the steps to follow to use this program with your child:
Purchase a box of poker chips from the drug
store.
Hold a family meeting to discuss the need for
the program. Tell the children that it will help them to learn to be in charge
of themselves. You can tell older children that this system is similar to what
adults experience: (1) Adults earn money for working; (2) Adults have to pay
fines for breaking rules like speeding or make a late payment; (3) Adults
spend their money on things they need as well as a few things they want.
Develop a list of behaviors they will earn
chips for. Start with the morning and then go throughout the day looking for
behaviors to reward. These can include positive attitude, self-help behaviors
and chores. If you are using a behavior modification program for school you
can give them chips for each point earned on that system. Some possibilities
are: getting up on time, brushing teeth, getting ready for school on time,
playing nicely with brother or sister, completing chores such as feeding a pet
or taking out the trash, saying please and thank you, doing
things the first time they are asked, doing homework without a fuss, getting
ready for bed on time, going to bed on time, cleaning bedroom.
Agree on a list of behaviors that result in a
loss of chips. These can include behaviors that are oppositional, defiant or
disruptive. Some examples are: tantrums, yelling, screaming, fighting,
arguing, throwing things, jumping on the furniture, getting up after bed time,
swearing, putting others down. (Some more serious behaviors will receive a
Time
Out as well as a fine).
Agree on a list of privileges they will earn
and pay for with chips. Some privileges will be bought for the day, others
will be bought for a period of time (usually 1/2 hour). These can include:
watching TV, playing outside, computer time, renting their bike or other large
toy, playing a game with a parent, etc.
See Suggestions of Rewards For Kids.
Assign point values to each item on the list.
See the sample below:
Earn Chips For
| Making
Bed |
2 |
| Picking
up bedroom |
2 |
| Brushing
teeth |
2 |
| Setting
the table |
4 |
| Ready
for bed on time |
2 |
| Going
to bed on time |
2 |
| Doing
things first time asked |
1 |
| Saying
please and thank you |
1 |
Lose Chips For
| Throwing things |
4 + Time Out |
| Tantrums |
4 + Time Out |
| Arguing
|
2 |
| Interrupting
|
2 |
| Running in the house
|
2 |
Privileges To Spend Chips For
| Watching TV
|
5 chips per 1/2 hr |
| Playing outside |
5 chips |
| Rent Bike
|
5 chips for the day |
| Going to friends |
10 chips |
| Playing game with parent |
5 chips |
Practice giving and receiving chips before
starting the program. The practice should be based on the rules for parent and
children provided below:
Rules for Parents When Giving Chips
Be near your child and able to touch him
(not 20 feet or two rooms away).
Look at your child and smile.
Use a pleasant voice tone.
Make sure your child is facing you and
looking at you.
Praise your child "Hey that’s
great. You’re really doing a nice job. That’s really helping me."
Reward you child with chips "Here’s 2 chips for doing a great
job."
Describe the appropriate behavior for your
child so he know exactly what behavior he is being praised and rewarded
for.
Hug your child occasionally or use some
other form of positive touch.
Have your child acknowledge you such as,
"Thanks Mom" or "O.K."
Rules for Parents When Taking Away
Chips
Be near you child and able to touch him.
Look at your child and smile.
Use a pleasant voice tone.
Make sure your child is facing you and
looking at you.
Explain what was inappropriate such as
"Remember you are not allowed to run in the house because it is not
safe." "You need to learn not to yell and scream so we
can enjoy being together at home."
Be sympathetic. "I know it’s hard
to lose chips but that’s the rule."
Give your child the chip fine.
Make sure your child gets the chip
appropriately.
Prompting the appropriate responses will
sometimes be necessary. For example, "Come on, give me a
smile--That’s right."
If a chip loss is taken very well by your
child, it is a good idea to give him back a chip or two.
If your child is too mad or upset to give
you the chips, don’t force the issue. Place your child in time out (to
cool off) and then get the chips.
Rules For Children When Getting Chips
You should be facing your parents, looking
at them and smiling.
You should acknowledge the chips by saying
"O.K.," "Thanks," or something else pleasant.
The chips should be put in a specified
container. (Any chips left lying around are lost.)
Rules For Children When Losing Chips
You should face your parents, look at them
and smile (not frown.)
You should acknowledge the chip loss with
"O.K." or "All right," "I’ll get the
chips," etc. (You must keep looking at them and be pleasant).
You should give the chips to your parents
pleasantly
Post the list of behaviors and chips earned in
a convenient place.
Let your child decorate a paper cup in which
to keep their chips. Place the "bank’s" chips is a jar or bowl and
put it in a place that is out of reach of children.
Start using the program. Feel free to modify
the program at any time by holding a meeting. Sometimes point values need to
be raised or lowered to achieve a goal. You may add or remove items from the
list as well.
After about 6 weeks, you may be able to start
short trials off the system. Say, "Today we are going to try not using
the chip system. If things go well we will try it again the next day." If
the trial is successful continue for about a week. If things continue to go
well, hold a meeting and celebrate all that you and your child have both
gained from the system. If your child is not ready, continue with the program.
Note: If your child runs out of chips, have a
list of extra chores they can do to earn chips so that they remain on the
system.
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