by Claudia Jewett Jarrati
WHO SHOULD TELL THE NEWS?
Because all children appear to harbor some degree of
fundamental and primitive terror that something
catastrophic might happen to their caregivers and that
without their caregivers' protection and care they
themselves might die, it is best if the news comes from
the adults to whom a child feels closest--whether
parents, foster parents, or other caregivers. Access to
someone with whom the child shares an ongoing history of
trustworthiness, concern, and involvement is an
important buffer during crisis or change and reassures
the child that he or she is not alone, that there are
other people available to provide protection and vital
caretaking.
If the loss entails the departure of a parent (whether
because of a new job assignment, parental separation,
serious illness, or incarceration), it is best for both
parents to tell the news together, so that the child has
the chance to understand that everyone is involved in
what is happening and that, regardless of the change,
they are still a family. If the loss is the result of
parental conflict (separation or divorce), it is
particularly important for each parent to take special
care to avoid influencing the child's reactions and to
do whatever is necessary to reduce the likelihood that
the child will feel caught in the middle of a parental
conflict that requires choosing a side. If it is
impossible for parents to tell the child together, then
they should each talk to the child as soon as can be
arranged. Whatever the situation, when parents share the
news, whether separately or together, they should both
make it clear that their love and positive concern for
the child have not diminished and that the child is not
the cause of the family change.
WHEN SHOULD I TELL THE CHILD?
The best way to help children face significant
changes or losses is to let them know what is happening
as soon as the loss, separation, or change seems
definite. When parents try to delay telling the news,
they often underestimate how sensitive children are to
parental preoccupation and tension. Telling a child
about an impending loss not only prevents the distress
and anxiety that may build as the child increasingly
wonders what is wrong but also allows the child to begin
to prepare for what lies ahead rather than being caught
off guard. The child has a chance to start getting used
to the idea, to raise questions and concerns, to
participate in the adjustments parents are making, to
play and replay the separation experience as a way of
integrating the changes that will occur, to practice
coping skills before they must be called into action, to
begin to grieve. Talking about the change can promote
the awareness that, though the adjustments may be hard,
the child can manage both the grief and the loss: what
has happened is not so awful that it cannot be faced and
talked about.
There can be problems with direct prompt approaches.
Imagine a mother who has only the brief time it will
take someone to bring her children home from school to
prepare herself to tell them that their father has
suddenly died. Reeling with her own shock and
bereavement, it is understandable that she might wish to
postpone talking to them, to avoid seeing them, or at
least to discourage their expressions of distress. It
would be better, however, for her to remember that she
need not hide her own pain and strong reactions as long
as she makes it clear that the children are not expected
to solve her problems or make her feel better. Her
children will be most able to believe this if they know
which adult friends and relatives will be helping her,
since this is most likely to reassure them that their
mother is in competent, caring, grown-up hands. If the
mother subsequently joins a loss group or seeks
counseling, it might be helpful for the children to be
invited to meet the therapist or pastor or group leader
so that they can get direct reassurance that the helper
understands how important the parent is and that the
helper will be available as long as help is needed.
Saying to the child, "are you confused?" can help you
avoid making statements that are misleading if taken
absolutely literally. It may help to note how frequently
adult thought patterns and speech revert to concrete
thinking, especially in times of stress. The
always/never, good/bad scorekeeping can often be
observed in situations that involve assigning blame,
dealing with moral or religious issues, or wrangling
about politics, and it often shows up in domestic
disagreements: "You always expect me to pick up after
you." "What do you mean? I'm always happy to help."
"Well, for one thing, you never wash the dishes." "And
what about you? Three times this week I've had to remind
you to put things back where they belong."
It is important to remember that, just as adults under
stress may revert to concrete thinking, so children
under stress often regress to earlier thought processes
and patterns or mix different types of thinking.
Consequently, even if a child's age suggests that he or
she is in the concrete thinking stage, care should be
taken to heed the guidelines appropriate for magical
thinking as well.
Helping Children Trust Themselves
Because young children get their understanding of
life primarily through their senses, tying news to a
sensory or physical connection often helps them grasp
it. Such an approach can also reinforce their trust in
their own powers of observation. So talk with children
about what they might have seen or heard: "When you
heard us fighting, you may have wondered what was
happening and felt worried and scared." "Today when Aunt
Ruth came to get you at school, did you guess that
something bad had happened?" Beginning this way also
encourages the child to think, "I am the sort of person
who can figure out what is happening." Corroborating
what the child has noticed sends one more reassuring
signal that the child is a thinking person, able to make
sense of the world and therefore able to understand
significant happenings. In fact, acknowledging that they
have been aware of the adult actions or situations that
led up to the loss may help reassure them that it was
not their fault.
In some families, children are discouraged from
observing, commenting on, or questioning what is going
on with adults, especially their parents, Such children
may now need assurance that it is all right for them to
have noticed that things were not going well.
Consequently, when talking about a loss, you should
deliberately relax any unwritten rules that children
should not be "nosy" about the affairs of their elders
and encourage your children to voice their questions and
to confirm their own observations about what has been
going on in the family. Remember: when a child suffers a
loss, very little about what has happened is none of the
child's business. A significant separation or loss
definitely is the child's business and needs to be
explained as thoroughly as possible to help avoid
serious repercussions later. If the questions are too
personal to handle or if the separation hinges on sexual
or financial matters inappropriate for discussion with
children, you might say, "That's an OK question, but I
feel private about the answer, and I really don't want
to talk about it."
WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE ADJUSTMENT EASIER?
Helping Children Say Good-bye
After the news of the upcoming loss or change has
been introduced and explored, children need to be given
the opportunity to say whatever good-byes are involved.
Having the chance to say actual thought-out good-byes to
people, places, or a familiar family structure is among
the most healing things a child can experience. Not only
do such good-byes give the child a chance to review and
acknowledge the good things that will be lost, they also
allow the child an opportunity to express those feelings
face to face with the others who are involved. Wishes
and blessings can be exchanged, and the child can be
given loving permission to have a successful, satisfying
life. A thoughtful good-bye visit leaves less unfinished
business to complicate the grief that follows the loss.
Youngsters who do not have the chance to exchange
good-byes or to receive permission to move on sometimes
are more likely to sustain additional damage to their
basic sense of trust and security to their self esteem,
and to their ability to initiate and sustain strong
relationships.
ACUTE GRIEF
This second phase of mourning has several components:
yearning and pining; searching; dealing with sadness,
anger, anxiety, guilt, and shame; experiencing
disorganization and despair; and finally beginning the
job of reorganization. Each helps the child recover from
the loss, accept what has happened, and move toward
healing. Although children may have a mixture of these
feelings, shifting among them over time, it is not
unusual for one reaction to predominate at first, and
then for the child to begin work on another as the first
subsides. Some children feel overwhelming anxiety or
sadness first, while others begin with anger or guilt.
Whether the feelings are mixed or successive, each
component of grief must be worked through, and none
suppressed. This can be a lengthy though intermittent
process, taking as much as two to three years in adults
and longer in children. Older children may need more
time than preschool children, and adolescents can be
especially vulnerable to separations and losses, because
so much in their lives is already in flux. In addition,
research indicates that serious ambivalence or internal
conflicts about the relationship with the lost person
severely complicate the grief process, extending the
time it may take to move through it. When there is no
physical body to take leave of, this, too, tends to
prolong the grief process.
Children need to know that their feelings and reactions
are common and normal to grief, that the return to
creative, healthy living involves pain, and that there
is no short cut--the greater the loss, the longer it
takes to get over it. Unfortunately in these days of
fast food and instant gratification, many adults as well
as children have had little experience with tolerating
discomfort patiently. Children should be reassured that
they will feel better eventually, although they may not
believe it. It is honest to tell them that crying and
hurting are part of the cure, though they may not
understand how that can be so. Often it helps them to
know that what they are experiencing and feeling is
normal so that instead of trying to fight their feelings
they can become more comfortable expressing them.
The outcome of children's grief experiences hinges to a
large extent on whether adults are able to tolerate
their expressions of strong feelings about what has
happened. Complications seem most likely to arise in
children who have not felt permitted to let themselves
know and express their genuine feelings or have not had
their awareness and expression of these feelings
encouraged and supported. Remember that when the loss
has stricken the caregiving adult or adults deeply,
children may be reluctant, resistant, or unwilling to
share and process their feelings at home. In such cases,
it is important that children have supportive adults to
talk to and that their need to keep their feelings
separate and private from their caregivers should be
respected.
Whatever their age or their circumstances, grieving
young people need authentic empathy, respect, and
support from caring adults. Give children as much time
as they need with all their feelings; don't try to rush
them into "more productive" emotional states or urge
them to speed their reactions up or tone them down.
Feelings are, after all, just signals of an emotional
state--our response to something that has touched us,
like the itch that results from a mosquito bite. To say
to a child, "Don't be sad [or angry or upset]" is as
useless as saying, "Don't itch." Be firm, however, about
not allowing children to discharge their feelings in
hurtful or destructive ways.
Here are some suggestions for the adult who wants to
provide encouragement and support to a child who is
experiencing or dealing with acute grief:
- The child's feelings and concerns should take
precedence over almost everything else. As soon as
the child tries to share feelings, stop what you are
doing immediately (or as soon as you can) and focus
on the child. It is important to send the message:
"Your feelings are important to me, and I will find
time to listen to them. You are not bothering me."
When the child shares sadness, anger, guilt, or
shame, whether verbally or physically, don't ask
that those feelings be postponed, denied, or
concealed. Stifling grief requires precious energy
better used to deal with all the changes
accompanying loss; moreover, grief driven
underground can return months or even years later to
haunt the child.
- When the child's feelings or the duration or
timing of those feelings differ from your own,
respect the differences, and don't criticize or
appear upset by the child's statements and feelings
and actions. It is the recognition, acceptance, and
validation of each emotion as it occurs that lets
the child move from one emotional state to another
so that grief can be completed.
- Remember that children often just want someone
to bear witness to their pain and grief. If you have
a close relationship with a child, what you say may
not be as important as what you do. The touch of a
hand on a knee, an arm around a shoulder, a lap to
sit on, or a shoulder to cry against can offer
profound comfort.
- If a child seems to be playing up grief for
attention, this is a signal that some other need is
likely not being met. Giving extra support and
showing ample authentic positive interest will
usually make the problem disappear.
- If caregivers are inclined to encourage the
suppression of feelings, sending the message,
overtly or covertly, that some feelings are good or
right and others are bad or wrong or responding to
expressions of feeling with recrimination,
withdrawal, or retaliation, then the child will need
to have another trusted, supportive person to talk
with.
