by Martha Sears, R.N.
Twenty-eight years ago I (Martha) became a mother for
the first time. Even though I had "R.N." after my name I
was pretty frightened. All those babies I'd played
"Mommy" with in the hospital were other people's babies,
not my own. I had to learn how to be a mother to my
little Jimmy from scratch. It was intense and personal
learning, and I have been privileged to experience it
intensely and personally seven more times.
My husband, Bill, learned along with me all the things
we discuss in this book for brand-new mothers. My voice,
speaking mother-to-mother, will dominate the book, with
Bill's interjected here and there to give his
perspective as a father and pediatrician.
This is not a traditional baby-care book. You won't find
anything in it about diaper rash, cord care, or how to
give a bath. You can get that information from a lot of
other sources. Instead, this book is a guide to
mothering your baby, and it is as much about the process
of becoming a mother as it is about babies. It will help
you to get to know your baby better, and we hope that it
will also help you understand yourself as you take on
this new, motherly role.
We believe that babies have a lot to teach mothers.
Listening to your baby and responding to his or her cues
will lead you into a parenting style that will help both
of you thrive. Biology and infant behavior will help you
get started and build your confidence as you and your
baby develop a two-way trusting relationship. But this
is not an ideal world we live in, and there are forces
you'll meet along the way that can make you doubt your
mothering intuition. We hope that this book will prepare
you for some of those bumps in the road, and will help
you meet the challenges and changes ahead.
Mothering and fathering eight children has taught us a
lot. We are very different persons from the ones we were
before we had children, and most, if not all, of these
differences are for the better. Although personal growth
is sometimes hard, we've had a lot of fun along the way.
Fun in your life with your baby is what will convince
you and the baby that life is good. Enjoy your baby!
How you mother your baby does make a difference.
Mothering in the twentieth century has become a
tricky business. We can take our babies' survival pretty
much for granted, and in this way we differ from all the
mothers who have come before us. Instead we worry about
whether our babies will grow up to be happy and
productive, a more complicated issue.
Nobody yet has scientifically tested and perfected a
parenting system that guarantees children will turn out
okay. Much of the research focuses on what goes wrong,
rather than what goes right, and psychologists from
Freud onward have often laid the blame on mothers. This
creates a lot of anxiety, as mothers struggle to raise
psychologically healthy children. Mothers often feel
that the stakes are high on everything they do, and the
possibility of making serious mistakes makes the job of
parenting seem frightening.
In reaction to Freud, there's another school of thought
that suggests that mothers aren't all that critical to
their children's psyches. Children need dependable
caregivers, yes, but these are more or less
interchangeable, and group care not only is
satisfactory, it also makes children independent at an
earlier age. Babies do prefer their parents, but they
really don't need all that one-on-one attention that
goes along with traditional mothering. It's interesting
that these theories have evolved at a time when more and
more mothers of young children are in the workforce.
So where do you fit in? How important are you, a
responsive, nurturing, trustworthy mother, to your
baby's development? How do you know if you're making a
difference?
In the parenting business, science often fails us. It's
hard to study behavior that is as complicated as
mother-and-infant interactions, much less relate these
interactions to how children behave and feel years
later. "Experts" speculate, spinning advice out of tiny
threads of evidence, but who really knows?
I believe that experienced parents--parents of children
who are turning out well---have the answers. Bill and I
have talked to thousands of wise and seasoned mothers
over the years, and while we don't pretend that this is
a scientific sample, we do feel confident about relaying
what we've learned from all these families. We believe
that how you mother your children makes a difference in
the kind of people they become.
The mothering advice that we have given in this book
reflects a style that we call attachment parenting. For
babies, attachment parenting includes closeness right
from birth, responding sensitively to cries, baby
wearing, sharing sleep, and breastfeeding. The
involvement of the father, both directly with the baby
and in support of the mother, is also important. These
practices together make up a very nurturing style of
baby care, one that yields a wonderful sensitivity
between mother and child. The mother understands what
the baby is thinking, most of the time, and the baby
responds well to the mother's care. Babies who
experience attachment parenting rarely need to cry to
get their needs met (though they may cry plenty when
something hurts or bothers them), because they can
communicate in other, more subtle ways. Mothers who
nurture in this style feel confident that they are doing
the right things for their children, because they feel
they can perceive their babies' needs, and because their
babies are happiest when they are most responsive. Even
high-need babies can be mellowed by this style of
parenting into children who are fun to be with.
There are long-range benefits to attachment parenting.
As a baby cared for this way turns into a toddler, he is
easy to manage. His mother has a pretty good idea of
what he is trying to do or say, so the young explorer is
less likely to get terribly frustrated. Since he trusts
his mother and wants very much to stay in her good
graces, a word of warning or some creative redirection
from her is often all that's needed to head off problem
behavior.
As children of attached parents grow older, the benefits
continue. These kids internalize their parents'
sensitivity toward them. They have an inner sense of
what is right and are bothered when situations violate
their values. They know themselves well and can remain
true to their own character in the midst of a crowd
going in another direction. They are compassionate and
understanding with other people. Having learned intimacy
from their early closeness with their parents, they go
on to establish and maintain healthy relationships with
other people. They bring their parents joy and pride.
So, are you important to your baby? Yes, you are. You as
his mother know him best and are the person he trusts
most and will look to for guidance in the months and
years to come. You are his window to the world and his
faithful interpreter of what is going on inside him.
Your relationship is built on a long history of knowing
each other, a history that begins even before birth.
Because this relationship is grounded in love and trust
and many small interactions, it can tolerate mistakes
and misunderstandings. No single moment is critically
important. What counts is the harmony that is developing
between you.
So relax and enjoy your baby. This is a special time in
your life, and while it's full of worries and
adjustments, it is also full of wonder. You have much to
look forward to. Being a mother can enrich every corner
of your life. Get ready for a marvelous journey.
When you bring home a new baby, remember you are
modeling parenting for your older children. Also, you
are bringing up someone else's future husband or wife,
father or mother. The parenting styles children learn
are the ones they are most likely to follow when they
become parents. Here is an example of how modeling
affects children: A mother brought her newborn, Erin,
and her two-and-a-half-year-old, Tiffany, into my office
for checkups. During her examination, Erin began to cry.
Tiffany rushed to her mother, pulled at her mother's
skirt, and exclaimed, "Mommy, Erin cry; pick up,
rock-rock, nurse!" This little child had just described
responsive parenting according to her mother's model.
When Tiffany becomes a mother and her baby cries, what
do you imagine she will do? She won't consult a book or
call her doctor. She will intuitively pick up,
rock-rock, and nurse.
Excerpt reprinted with permission from foxcontent.com
