Where a child places in the birth order can have an
effect on how he sees himself. Research on birth order,
sometimes referred to as ordinal position, shows that
first born children are more likely to go to college
than children in any other position in the family. These
apply to "typical families" and probably do not apply to
"dysfunction families" and may vary across various
cultures. Parents should attempt to help each child to
see themselves as unique individuals and avoid
comparisons with siblings or others.
The middle child often seems to have the most negative
impressions of his lot in life. One approach to help
middle children reframe things is to point out that in a
sense they have the best of both worlds. They are the
youngest to the older sibling and the oldest to the
younger sibling. Therefore they are both a big
brother/sister and a little brother/sister. Younger
children always want to be able to do the things older
siblings are allowed to do. And older siblings may feel
that the younger siblings get away with things they were
not able to when they were the same age.
The following characteristics will not apply to all
children in every family. Typical characteristics,
however, can be identified:
|
Only |
- Child Pampered and spoiled.
- Feels incompetent because adults are
more capable.
- Is center of attention; often enjoys
position. May feel special.
- Self-centered.
- Relies on service from others rather
than own efforts
- Feels unfairly treated when doesn't get
own way.
May refuse to cooperate.
- Plays "divide and conquer" to get own
way.
|
|
First Child |
- Is only child for period of time; used
to being center
of attention.
- Believes must gain and hold superiority
over other children.
- Being right, controlling often
important.
- May respond to birth of second child by
feeling unloved and neglected.
- Strives to keep or regain parents'
attention through conformity. If this
failed, chooses to misbehave.
- May develop competent, responsible
behavior or become very discouraged.
- Sometime strives to protect and help
others.
- Strives to please.
|
Second Child
|
- Never has parents' undivided attention.
- Always has sibling ahead who's more
advanced.
- Acts as if in race, trying to catch up
or overtake first child.
- If first child is "good," second may
become "bad." Develops abilities first child
doesn't exhibit. If first child successful,
may feel uncertain of self and abilities.
- May be rebel.
- Often doesn't like position.
Feels "squeezed" if third child is born.
- May push down other siblings.
|
|
Middle Child of Three |
- Has neither rights of oldest nor
privileges of youngest.
- Feels life is unfair.
- Feels unloved, left out, "squeezed."
- Feels doesn't have place in family.
- Becomes discouraged and "problem child"
or elevates self by pushing down other
siblings.
- Is adaptable.
- Learns to deal with both oldest and
youngest sibling.
|
|
Youngest Child |
- Behaves like only child.
- Feels every one bigger and more capable.
- Expects others to do things, make
decisions, take responsibility.
- Feels smallest and weakest. May not be
taken seriously.
- Becomes boss of family in getting
service and own way.
- Develops feelings of inferiority or
becomes "speeder" and overtakes older
siblings.
- Remains "The Baby." Places others in
service.
- If youngest of three, often allies with
oldest child against middle child.
|
NOTES: 1. The middle child of three is usually
different from the middle child of a large family. The
middle children of large families are often less
competitive as parents don't have as much time to give
each child and so the children learn to cooperate to get
what they want. 2. Only children usually want to be
adults, and so don't relate to peers very well. When
they become adults, they often believe they've finally
"made it" and can now relate better to adults as peers.
3. During their formative years, only children live
primarily in the world of adults. They must learn how to
operate in the big people's world as well as how to
entertain themselves. Thus they often become very
creative in their endeavors.
(Adapted from Don Dinkmeyer, Gary D. McKay, and Don
Dinkmeyer, Jr., Parent Education Leader's Manual Coral
Springs, F:; CMTI Press, 1978)
